How are we changed by devastating loss?

istock_000038866856_mediumLoss is never easy. Loss leaves us speechless and shaking with emotion. How do any of us walk through this miasma of agony? As you well know, we just do … one foot in front of the other. Life does continue, day after day.

The question that comes to mind is how are we changed by devastating loss?

Life is a little more precious. The immediacy of loss makes us hold one another a little more tightly, a little more closely. We are more aware. We value what we had once taken for granted and now know — heartbreakingly so — can lose all too quickly and unexpectedly.

We want the loss to mean something. We want to transform the pain and create an alchemical process. We want to allow something new, tender, and hopeful to grow out the grief. We humans need to do something, take some action that makes a difference. We do not want the loss to be in vain. We want the phoenix to emerge out of the ashes of our loss. We look to create anew – be it a memorial that serves as reminder of what needs to be remembered and never forgotten or we bring energy and life to some course of action that honors our loss.

Our hearts are expanded. We understand that it is our through our connections with one another that life holds meaning and value. We didn’t know it was possible to hold the weight of such grief and pain. We didn’t know that we could love so intensely, much less grieve so deeply. Our hearts have been excavated and stretched beyond measure. Our hearts hold a new-found wisdom. We are forever changed.

We have learned a few things. Grief is unpredictable, crazy-making, and a unique process. It takes time, patience, and presence to find a neutral place. Along the way, we learn what is important. We learn that pain can morph into something else. We learn that we can help others who are sucker-punched by grief and that we can show up and be present amidst the darkness.

To quote psychologist and cantadera Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ph.D., “One of the most calming and powerful actions you can do to intervene in a stormy world is to stand up and show your soul. Struggling souls catch light from other souls who are fully lit and willing to show it.”

So, let us polish off our souls and let our own particular brand of light come forth. It always helps dispel the darkness.

May you be held in peace and comfort.

The Other Side of Grief

20161109_173927I recently had the pleasure in participating in The Other Side of Grief  of Suicide speaker series. This free speaker series runs Monday, November 14 – Friday, November 25. I will be featured on Tuesday, November 15.

Understanding, education and gaining new resources and coping strategies can help you work through your hero’s journey of grief. Consider tuning in to gain some new perspectives and extra support.

Here is your link to access the free video series:

Our host, Shanetta Brown, explains more:

Have you lost a loved one to suicide?  Are you feeling overwhelmed or stuck and you don’t know how to put the pieces of your life back together. Have you thought to yourself, Is the pain ever going to go away? 

We will show you how to find hope and happiness on the other side of grief.

Here are some tools that you will learn:  

  • Recognize grief can be used as a transformation process to reach a fulfilling and purpose-filled life! (Thrive instead of just survive!)
  • Move fully into your heart and body to process and release grief, mourn openly and grieve freely to reach a deep level of healing!
  • How to handle the holidays after a loss and still finding reason to celebrate.
  • Recognize ways to support your child through the grieving process.
  • Determine things you can say to your child to help them with the loss.
  • Recognize that you can maintain connection with deceased loved ones knowing that love lives on through them!
  • Build supportive and caring networks and give yourself permission to share feelings, emotions and memories easily!
  • Move from fear to faith that you can and will get through loss to find a new appreciation of life. (Be a victor over grief, not a victim!)
  • Re-write your grief story and reclaim your life!
  • Honor your loved one’s legacy with love, remembering a life well lived!

PS  My interview will be featured on Tuesday, November 15.

 

 

 

Thank you Step 12 Magazine for the great review!

12steps-magazine-issue-19-cover12stepsreview_4stars

This year, I have been talking about the interface of suicide, addiction and trauma. You can image my surprise and delight when those wonderful folks at Step 12 Magazine wrote a swell 4-star review of my book, Making Peace with Suicide: A Book of Hope, Understanding and Comfort. Thank you, Step 12 Magazine! I am over the moon and so grateful for both the good words and bringing this important topic forward.

Author Adele R. McDowell combines practical guidance with spirituality and a deep understanding of pain and grief, and trauma and its impact.

Adele has packed every aspect of losing a loved one to suicide into a single insightful, meaningful edition which should be read again and again.

Personal accounts of those who have attempted suicide, sometimes multiple times, from people who have leaned over the edge of the abyss but didn’t jump, show us how moving away from suicidal tendencies requires conscious choice and deliberate action.

Adele helps readers understand the complex factors involved when people choose to take their own lives, making it abundantly clear that society needs to find better ways to talk about and understand why people become so desperate to escape that they choose to end their own lives.

PS Click the Step 12 Magazine cover for more information on their wonderful publication.

“Give me away”

Epitaphimages (9)

By Merrit Malloy

When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men that wait to die.

And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give to me.

I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.

Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you cannot give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not your mind.

You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting bodies touch bodies,
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So, when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give me away.

Psychology Today: “When suicide hits home” by Susan McQuillan

BleedingHearts in Blue Free Creative CommonsThe following is an excellent Psychology Today blog post by Susan McQuillan looking at suicide and eating disorders:

The statistics are alarming. More than 40,000 Americans commit suicide every year. That averages out to about 110 people every day. Although it is the tenth leading cause of death overall, suicide is the second leading cause of death among those between the ages of 10 and 25 years old. Veterans make up 20 percent of all suicides.

Chronic physical and mental health problems underlie most attempts at suicide, although circumstantial and environmental factors can also contribute. As is true in the case of many psychiatric disorders, people with eating disorders are at higher-than-average risk of committing suicide, and those with anorexia nervosa have the highest risk of all.

Bonnie Brennan is the Senior Clinical Director of Adult Residential and Partial Hospital Services at Denver’s Eating Recovery Center (ERC), a national, vertically integrated, health-care system for eating disorders recovery. ERC provides comprehensive treatment for anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, and other unspecified eating disorders. Brennan points out that the more severe or long-term the condition, the more isolated and burdensome the patient may feel, and that is when there may be more concern about the potential for suicide. Because the eating disorder population is often competitive, she adds, caregivers and families must be careful not to glamorize another’s suicide in any way, and to watch out for “copycat” suicides. In her experience working with people who have eating disorders, suicide occurs in various age groups, and the longer the course of the illness, the more despair the person may have about their ability to actually recover, which can lead to an increase in suicidal thoughts,

The entire family is often affected when someone has an eating disorder. Brennan emphasizes that family members are an important part of the healing process. Often their loved ones aren’t mature enough, or are too compromised by their illness, to take responsibility for themselves, so family members must step in. Brennan advocates for the support of the caregivers as well, since an eating disorder affects the entire family support system. The treatment facility provides support, resources and services that include educational workshops, skill building, dietary instruction, and family therapy. It can become a full-time job for family members to try to help manage the recovery program, Brennan points out, and when it all ends in suicide, family members are often left with very mixed emotions.

“When a loved one dies after a long, distressful illness, there is a sense of anger, sadness, and guilt jumbled together with other emotions,” she says. “They too have suddenly been released from the hold of this disease, and must now move on to the process of grieving.”

One Family’s Story

April Garlick, who lost her teenage son Justin to suicide in 2015, experienced the protracted grip of his eating disorder. As he reached his teens, Justin became a bit pudgy and was openly unhappy about his body, but then he hit a growth spurt and his weight evened out. Still, he began cutting back on food and exercising to the point where April felt he had what seemed like an addiction to running. At first, Justin rejected her suggestion of therapy but soon after, at 5’8” and 117 pounds, and experiencing bradycardia (abnormally slow heartbeat), he asked for help. He began counseling and soon his weight was up to 125 pounds. April remembers that he seemed happy this point, though she sensed he still wasn’t 100 percent.

But over the next year, as his self-esteem plummeted and his behavior became more and more irrational, it was clear that Justin was heading downhill. He fought more and more with family members, changed high schools and attempted online studies to try to keep up, and lost weight again. He went in and out of various treatment programs and at one point was on suicide watch. It was a proverbial roller coaster, not only for Justin but also for April, as she tired not only to battle his illness but to also battle her insurance company to try to get him the type of care he needed.

Throughout that year, there were occasional moments of happiness, where Justin felt he had a breakthrough and could say he was happy, but those feelings didn’t last. In the last phone call April got from Justin, he asked her to call 911 because he had badly hurt himself. He was taken away in an ambulance and April was told to meet them at the hospital. Although the doctors worked hard to save him, Justin did not make it.

Picking Up the Pieces

Dr. Adele Ryan McDowell, author of Making Peace with Suicide, describes the aftermath of suicide as “a complicated loss” for those who are left behind, especially for those who have lost a child. In addition to the trauma of what is often a sudden and unexpected death, and perhaps the burden of a broken taboo, friends and family members may experience deep feelings of anger. On top of the anger, there is often a layer of guilt. Though you did the best you could, you may judge yourself too harshly for your all-too-human responses and behavior toward the person you lost. The trauma of a loved one’s suicide may also trigger memories of other traumas, just as the loss of a human life triggers memories of other losses, resulting in a cascade of emotions flowing over grief.

“You must accept all of your feelings, and give yourself time to move on from anger, guilt and grief to a place of acceptance, forgiveness and compassion for both your loved one and yourself,” Dr. McDowell says.

As you move on, Dr. McDowell adds, you may be able to “illuminate the dark” for others who have experienced the same type of grief. Although April’s heart exploded with unimaginable grief when her son died last year, she is now trying to do just that. She is working on a book about Justin’s life and also trying to reach out in other ways, both to families who have lost a child and to the world at large, who may not realize that eating disorders, which are thought of mostly as issues affecting girls and women, not only affect, but also steal the lives of boys and men.

© Susan McQuillan

Sources:

Eating Recovery Center. https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com/

Adele Ryan McDowell, Ph.D. http://adeleryanmcdowell.com/contact/

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Understanding Suicide.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. NCHS Brief No. 168: Mortality in the United States.

Chesney E, Goodwin GM, Fazel S. Risks of all-cause and suicide mortality in mental disorders: a meta-review. World Psychiatry. 2014;13:153-160.http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4102288/

13 everyday ways to prevent suicide

images-26Today is World Prevention Suicide Day

It makes me sad that we have such a day, but it is necessary. Suicide must surely be out of the closet by now. It happens. It happens every 40 seconds, on average, around the globe per the World Health Organization, and in the United States there is one suicide, on average, every 13 minutes.

Even more startling are the numbers of those who have attempted suicide. The National Suicide Research Foundation reports that suicide attempts are 20 times greater than a suicide. US statistics allow there are 5 million living Americans – the population of Norway — who have attempted suicide.

And let us not forget the surviving loved ones of those who have died by suicide. The estimates start at five people being impacted per suicide and have risen to 32 or more people who are directly in the wake of a single suicide. Given my experience, I would most certainly go with the larger number. Not only is there family, but there are friends, co-workers and others who are part of the individual’s orbit of connection. And these survivors of suicide can be so traumatized by the sudden loss of their loved one that they, too, are at risk for suicide themselves.

Why does suicide happen?

Generally speaking, suicide happens because at that moment in time — and with the likely impact of extreme emotional pain, haywire neurochemistry, constricted thinking, trauma, dire circumstances, and/or the influence of substances — it felt like the only response to end the agony of their life.

We are talking about a great deal of pain – be it the person who died by suicide, attempted suicide, considered suicide and/or is surviving the loss of a loved by suicide.

What can we do to help make a difference?

Here are 13 small steps that we can all take to help tip the balance in favor of life. We never know the impact we make on one another:

  1. Be neighborly.

Reach out to decrease loneliness and isolation. I love the story of the woman who would occasionally leave freshly baked pies for her very lonely, dismissive and cantankerous neighbor. After almost 16 months, the wall finally came down and a connection was made.

 

  1. Become the anti-bully.

Become tolerant of others. Don’t punish differences. Be it hair color, body size, sexual preferences, clothing choices, religion, culture, race, socioeconomic status, level of education, kind of work, appearance or any other something that is different from you, learn to accept.

Making someone feel small, belittled and terrified does not serve any of us. And that kind of terror begets terror. Let’s stop the cycle and increase the cognitive dissonance around bullying.

 

  1. Seek help.

Check out your local resources and find help for your depression, addiction, run-away anxiety, PTSD and other mental health concerns. You don’t have to do it alone. There’s no shame in getting help. Ever. We all need a helping hand from time to time.

 

  1. Be kind.

Give others the benefit of the doubt. Lend a helping hand. Proffer a smile. Or simple be present and acknowledge. Kindness is never wasted. It positively shifts energies and impacts the neuroplasticity of our brains. Not only does kindness makes us feel good, it’s good prophylactic medicine.

 

  1. Be proactive.

Write a check, volunteer or take steps to help those of in need of a job, a bed, a meal or how to read a book. Advocate for mental health resources. Support our veterans. Every little bit does count.

 

  1. Work on your emotional intelligence (EQ).

Fluency in expressing our feelings in a direct, non-threatening way we can make a huge difference in our personal interactions. It helps us feel connected and understood. After all, we are social beings.

 

  1. Make peace with yourself.

No more cursing at your inner demons. No more emotionally leaking or ranting and raving due to your unhealed childhood wounds. If needed, get help. And learn to accept – and, even, love – your very humanness.

 

  1. No more bad-mouthing.

Put an end to the snarky comments, gossiping and mean-spirited character attacks. Put judgment and criticism in the deep freeze. We never know someone’s situation, particular context or backstory. As the saying goes, everyone is struggling and fighting their own battles, a running, pejorative commentary of another only causes more pain.

 

  1. Develop your cultural IQ (CQ).

We all share one blue-green marble. Let’s respect our wealth of cultures and learn to understand one another. The more we learn, the greater are our experiences as we expand our respective comfort zones. Crickets may not be my go-to food, but I am happy you are enjoying your crunchy meal. There is room and space for each of us.

 

  1. Practice compassion.

Who needs judgment? Practice compassion. Compassion asks us to walk in one another’s shoes. Compassion asks us to treat others the way we would wish to be treated. Compassion asks us to lead from the heart.

 

  1. Practice Latitude.

Everyone has a bad day, a bad season or, even, a bad couple of years. Sometimes, we just need to let it go, let it slide and give the other person (or ourselves) a break. Sometimes, what we don’t say can be the greatest gift of all. Latitude allows us to take a breath and re-center.

 

In the behavioral sciences, we know that accentuating the positive goes much farther than harping on the negative. With discernment, you will know where to practice latitude.

 

  1. Talk and disempower the stigma of suicide.

Suicide is universal and global. It has been around since the earliest of times. Suicide has been tainted by taboo, shame and guilt. Don’t be afraid to talk about suicide. Bring it out in the open. Don’t be afraid to ask. The “S” word is far too prevalent for us to ignore its presence or to be in denial. Let’s have heart-to-heart conversations and put suicide in the light of day. No more secrets. No more hiding. Let’s talk. Let’s connect and change the paradigm.

 

  1. Be a power of example.

Our actions often speak louder than our words. Walk in your integrity, coherence and with an open heart.  Share some of your light. It can help ease the darkness

 

 

Check out Frame of Mind

heart and homeThe wonderful editors of the Huffington Post Canada blog have put together a month-long series on teens and mental health, entitled Frame of Mind, which you can access here. There are a number of first person-stories and many focus on suicide.

As you know, suicide is a global epidemic that calls for our awareness, education and compassion. This series is a great start in that direction. Do check it out. New articles will be added regularly.